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Guest Column: Aunt Maisie (humor)
March 24, 2011
Ask Aunt Maisie
Old-fashioned advice for the 21st century
by Aunt Maisie (humor)
fitzgerald griffin foundation
Dear Aunt Maisie:
The speed traps in my city are becoming unbearable. It seems as if I pass at least one every day. I'm always seeing people pulled over by the police, and I recently got a ticket myself. What can I do to protect myself from this hazard?
— Fearful Driver
Dear Fearful Driver:
The proliferation of speed traps is a growing peril in the Land of the Free, as municipalities seek to fill their emptying coffers by feeding on plump motorists. Speeding tickets not only cost money in themselves but also give insurance companies an excuse to hammer you with higher premiums, which is why they donate radar and laser guns to police departments.
OK Industries's Radar and Laser Detective ($349.99) is an effective warning device against these highway robbers, but even such an excellent product can only go so far to protect you from their depredations, as the police surveillance gear can fool even the best modern detectors until it is too late for you to slow down. Also, some members of the constabulary may become vindictive and unruly if they spot the device and determine that you have been trying to escape their nets, indulging in beatings, taserings, arbitrary trumped-up charges, and other unpleasantness.
A promising improvement on the detector is OK Industries's Motorist's Friend, which detects radar and laser used by police, and then fires an electromagnetic pulse back at the perpetrator. This pulse not only disables the radar gun but also melts the wiring of the police cruiser, rendering it incapable of giving chase and preventing the officer from radioing his partners in crime. It performs a similar service with the new speed cameras, as well.
Unfortunately, the Motorist's Friend is still in development. The current prototype weighs 113 tons, somewhat limiting its portability, and there remain the minor problems of high power consumption and its frying every electrical device within a 50-yard radius when activated. However, OK Industries is addressing those teething troubles and developing a production version the size of a pack of cigarettes that can be plugged into your vehicle's electrical outlet. Until it's available, be especially careful.
Dear Aunt Maisie:
My husband and I recently built a summer home on a beautiful lot in an out-of-the-way area high in the mountains of eastern Tennessee. We love our new place, but the neighbors seem a bit standoffish, especially since we went for a hike and came across a field of crops in the middle of nowhere. We don't want to get off on the wrong foot. Should we invite them over for wine and cheese?
— New Neighbors
Dear New Neighbors:
I'll bet that real-estate agent saw you coming a mile off. You have the choice of selling out or trading in your Volvo or BMW for a 10-year-old pickup, learning how to barbecue, getting rid of your Abercrombie & Fitch clothing in favor of more pedestrian attire, and — most important of all — keeping a low profile and minding your own business. That means no more hiking trips into the back woods. With luck, and a little thoughtfulness on your part, your neighbors may begin to accept you in as little as 20 or 30 years.
Dear Aunt Maisie:
My little boy Justin is being bullied by older kids on his way to third grade. We've spoken to the principal, but nothing's changed. Please help!
— Worried Parent
Dear Worried Parent:
Speaking to the principal will do about as much good as whistling Dixie. Public schools today are cesspools of depraved behavior, populated by the feral offspring of self-centered, television-addled boobs, and run by — allow me to be frank — morons. How else can one describe people who put little children in handcuffs because they bring an aspirin or a toy gun to school?
While you may be tempted to intervene yourself to protect little Justin, that would be unwise for a number of reasons. Not only will it excite ridicule and mockery from his schoolmates, but all it takes is one little bruise on one of the miscreants to leave you open to hostile litigation and even intervention by the authorities. My advice is to home-school your child. Even just locking him up in a room full of books will result in a far better-educated young man than the savages currently being turned out by our public "education" system. He can read, can't he?
As far as self-defense goes, teaching your boy the art of boxing is mandatory for any loving parent of a man-child, and of course he will soon be old enough to begin his firearms training. For the moment, however, you might want to consider providing him with OK Industries's My First Stun Gun. For only $119.95, this small but potent device is rechargeable, easy to operate, and sized for little hands. It comes in your choice of bright red, blue, and even pink for girls. A recharging station and full instructions are included.
Dear Aunt Maisie:
We have put a feeder in our back yard to attract birds. However, the squirrels are monopolizing it and driving the birds away. Do you have any suggestions?
— Frustrated Bird-Lover
Dear Frustrated Bird Lover:
It is unfortunate that the use of such an innocuous weapon as a small-caliber rifle is frowned upon these days in most suburban neighborhoods. However, OK Industries offers a solution to your problem in the form of the Squirrel-Zapper Bird Feeder. Unlike so-called squirrel-proof bird feeders, OK's product goes to the root of the problem by electrocuting the pesky little critters with a 1,000-volt shock, while remaining harmless to your feathered friends. For only $199.95, the Squirrel-Zapper can hold up to 3 pounds of seed, and comes with a 40-foot double-insulated power cord and a booklet of 25 tasty squirrel recipes sure to please your hungry family. Happy bird-watching! Ω
Ask Aunt Maisie is sponsored by OK Industries, Inc.,357 Possum Run, Booth's Refuge, Oklahoma, and its wide family of products."They're ... OK!"
(Because of certain legal issues that are being sorted out, the company asks
that you not send anything to the above address until further notice.
However, the store in Booth's Refuge is often open for business
some days of the week!)
© 2011 by David T. Wright. All rights reserved.This column originally appeared at The Last Ditch (WTM Enterprises), March 22, 2011.
© 2011 Fitzgerald Griffin Foundation